Skeksis Interviews
by zsofikam
Summary: SkekSa(me)interviews the other Skeksis
1. Chamberlain

SkekSa (me): Today I'm beginning a series of interviews with my fellow Skeksis. First

up we have our lord Chamberlain SkekSil!

 _clap clap clap_

SkekSa: So…

UrSi (also me): You have forgotten me and thus forgotten who you are!

SkekSa: I'll interview the UrRu some other time, now shut up because you're extremely

annoying! The only reason I don't kick you is that I'd hurt myself! Anyway, do you agree

about the general consensus of your whimper?

SkekSil: It's funny if you ask me, mmm. But the General finds it annoying, serves him right!

Mmmmm!

SkekSa: So, how do you like your job?

SkekSil: Hmmm, I enjoy my work as prime minister and as next in line. But what I

really look forward to is becoming the new Emperor. Mmmmm!

SkekSa: What do you think of the General?

SkekSil: I think he is a brainless brute! All he ever does is yell at me and push me around.

SkekSa: What about the other Skeksis?

SkekSil: The Gourmand is a fatty, the Slave Master is a sadist, the Treasurer never does anything

but put money in his mouth, the Ornamentalist doesn't give a crap about anything that doesn't

involve looking pretty, the Scientist spends all his free time giving potatoes lobotomies, the High

Priest is a superstitious sociopath, and the Historian sleeps so much that if he died we wouldn't

even know!

SkekSa: What do you think of Emperor SkekSo?

SkekSil: He needs to die! Screw patience, I want to be Emperor right this second! If

His Excellency spends one more day talking about how awesome he is while in bed attached

to a bunch of tubes, I'd kill him myself! It's getting annoying I tell you!

SkekSa: What does getting forcibly stripped feel like?

SkekSil: That's so indecent! I refuse to answer your stupid question!

SkekSa:What are your thoughts on Chanter UrSol?

SkekSil: I hate that guy! He's such a spithead!

Next: General SkekUng


	2. General

SkekSa: Alright, it's your turn General.

SkekUng: My turn to what?

SkekSa: To answer my questions.

SkekUng: Alright but they better not be any of the following things: personal or stupid.

SkekSa: Fine let's just get it done with.

SkekSil: Hmm can I join?

SkekUng: Get out you useless whiner!

SkekSa: I'm afraid you already had your turn, remember?

SkekSil: Oh right, I'll just leave.

SkekSa: Now as I was saying…How would you react to being kissed?

SkekUng: Ick! Don't mention that mush in front of me! That's only for sissies like SkekSil!

SkekSa: Why do you hate SkekSil so much?

SkekUng: Because he's always whining, poking me, making that stupid "mmm" noise,

keeps trying to get into bed or into the bath with me, and preventing me from becoming

Emperor!

SkekSa: But you're not becoming Emperor anyway, SkekSo has that job already.

SkekUng: Yes well have you seen him? He eats carrot mush with his essence and he's cold no

matter how many blankets we heap on him so we had to get a female gelfling to lay with him just

to keep him warm!* On the plus side, Master UrSu is supposedly experiencing the same thing.

SkekSa: Have you met UrIm the Healer?

SkekUng: I certainly have! Every few days he shows up, demands money, and keeps talking

about lovey-dovey crap!

SkekSa: Who's your best friend?

SkekUng: Huh?

SkekSa: You know. Like SkekAyuk and SkekEkt, or SkekSo and SkekZok, or SkekTek and

SkekNa? Is it SkekShod? SkekOk? Perhaps even SkekSil?

SkekUng: None of us have best friends! The pairs you mentioned just spend time together for

work-related reasons! You see SkekSa, we have different groups or allegiances. SkekNa, SkekTek,

and myself form the Military allegiance. SkekSil, SkekAyuk, and SkekEkt form the Diplomatic

Allegiance. The Religious Allegiance is composed of SkekZok, SkekShod, and SkekOk.

SkekSa: What do you think of the others?

SkekUng: All of them sometimes annoying me but that stupid Chamberlain is by far the worst!

*Reference to how King David was given a women to keep him warm.

Next: Ritual Master SkekZok


	3. Ritual Master

SkekSa: Your turn, you ready?

SkekZok: Ready as I'll ever be.

SkekSa: Here we go. Why have you never tried to become emperor?

SkekZok: Well, I have thought about it. I'm actually quite satisfied with my holy position.

SkekSa: Where did you get that awesome hat?

SkeZok: This isn't a hat! It's a gift of the Dark Crystal!

SkekSa: Can I kiss you?

SkekZok: How dare you! This is sacrilege! I am a priest!

SkekSa: Alright then. Do Skeksis wear underwear?

SkekZok: That question is even worse! You should be glad that you didn't ask the General that.

SkekSa: I was trying to madden you. Anyway, you do you think is the most beautiful among us?

SkekZok: Well me of course. Also, the beloved Emperor is quite handsome, you should see him

when he's well.

SkekSa: Which is more annoying, the Chamberlain's whimper or the Ornamentalist's

screaming?

SkekZok: I'd have to go with the screaming because once you get used to the sound of the Lord

Chamberlain it makes for some nice background noise. SkekEkt running around screaming,

however, is almost as irritating as Podling singing.

SkekSa: Have you ever thought about going on vacation?

SkekZok: What?!

SkekSa: You know, relax and take some time off.

SkekZok: Why would I? My work is a sacred duty that must always be carried out!

SkekSa: Since you're so close with the Emperor, have you ever tried essence?

SkekZok: I may be close with the Emperor but I'm not Emperor and I would have to be in order

to know what essence tastes like.

Next: Scientist SkekTek


End file.
